Published: Jan 1st, 2012



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Donkey Basketball - Jack Mack Donkey Basketball
by Jack Mack

     The basketball game was about to start.
     The game matched the best team in the state and maybe in the nation against the worst in the state.
     The Harmony Basketball team wasn't very happy.  They had been offered a chance to play in national tournament at the same time as this game was scheduled, and had tried to get out of it.  But the two high school had a signed agreement to play each on this date, and none other.
     It was sort of a tradition for these two teams to play against each other on this date: the festivities leading up to this game for the town of Wilson were like those leading up the Super Bowl.  The whole town just went all out for the game.  This was the only time of the year anything really happened in Wilson.
     So when the Harmony Team tried to back out of the deal, the town of Wilson went to court to have the Harmony Team ordered to play against the Wilson team.  The judge decided in favor of Wilson and ordered the Harmony team to play the game on the date agreed upon.  Not just the scubs or JVs, but the whole roster.
     One of the main reasons why the Harmony team was one of the best in the nation was their starting front stood 7 feet, 6'9" and 6'7", and their point guard was one of the best in the country.
      One of the main reasons Wilson was one of the worst in the state was that they had no one on the whole team who stood over 6 feet.

     In the visitors locker room,  the Harmony head coach was giving his team their instructions.
     "I know right now every one of you wants to be someplace else, I understand the problem.  So here is what I want you to do about it:  I want you the humiliate Wilson. I mean, run up the score and make them look like a junior high school playing against the NBA. I mean, make them look so bad they'll quit at halftime."
     That was what Harmony exactly did.  By halfway through the 1st quarter the score was 30 -0.  Then the Harmony team decided to have some fun: they started playing like the Harlem Globetrotters, making the Wilson team look like fools.  At halftime the score was 56-4.
     All the time this was going on. Wilson's head coach would look at his opposite number, who kept mouthing these words:  "If you don't like it, then you shouldn't have made us play against you."
     During the team meeting in the Wilson's locker room at halftime, the word "quit" never came up.  The only thing that came close was from the Wilson's team captain: "I don't know how the rest of us feel, but I am going out there and play the second half.  The Harmony team is acting like jackasses? Let them.  They are only hurting themselves."
     When they came out for the second-half warm-ups, the Harmony were very shocked to see the Wilson team already on the court.
      The second half was just like the first. Someone in the crowd must had heard the Wilson's captain's statement: every time Harmony had the ball,  the crowd started braying, or yelling "jackass!"; Every time Wilson had the ball they cheered. Even the fans who came over from Harmony were doing this.
      The final score of the game was 98-12.  But the Wilson team never quit playing.

      Unbeknownst to the Harmony team, Dave Roberts' grandmother was in the attendance and saw the whole thing.  What no one knew was that Matilda Roberts was a witch.  Not one of those you see on TV or hear telling people they are witches, but a cauldron-stirring, spell-casting witch.
      By the end of the 1st quarter Matilda decided that the Harmony team had to pay for they were doing.
      When Matilda heard about what happened at Mel's, the only good restaurant in Wilson, she knew that what she was going to do would be fair and right.
       One of the waitresses at Mel's who waited on the Harmony team was Rachael, an eighteen year-old expecting mother.  Rachael was so set against a abortion that when she found out she was pregnant from a rape she decided to keep her baby.
      The remarks made by the Harmony players were completely uncalled for. They even went as far as trying to mess around with her: seeing no wedding ring, they thought she was a girl that would give them a good time. Only the intervention of their coach and Mel, who stood 6'6" and all muscle, stopped them from going any further.
     The game left sour taste in the mouths of the people of Wilson.
     The following Monday the Wilson town council met to discuss the matter.  Matilda attended the meeting. She even came up with the solution to the problem.
     Another game, but different in every way.
     Matilda said to the council: "I know some one who will supply the animals. All you have to do is supply the players."
     It was all agreed: this special game was set for the following Saturday.
     "Matilda, will this give your friend enough time?"
     "No problem.  He'll ship them in on Friday.  Milt Evans has a barn where they can be put for the night."
      Friday night Matilda was in the city, actually at the Harmony High School gym.
      There was nobody else in the gym when the basketball team finally finished their practice. There was no one in the school, the janitors hadn't showed up yet.
         As the Harmony team entered the locker room, they were met by Matilda..
      "Hey!" the coach shouted. "Women are not allowed in here!"
      "That is right, I am a woman. But I am also your worst nightmare. I am here to help round you up for your next game at Wilson."
      Brad, the 7-foot center, joked: "Wilson, what a joke! Didn't they have enough last week?"
        The rest of the team just laughed.
      "I was at that game, and I thought your playing was so asinine.  So I thought you should find out what is like to be a real ass."
      "What do you mean by that?", asked the coach.
      "This".  Matilda then waved her hands in front of the Harmony team
      As Matilda finished the waving.  The Harmony team in unison spoke their displease: "Hee Haw, Hee Haw!"
      "I thought your appearance should match your playing. In a few minutes your transformations will be complete".
       The coach tried to say something, but all that came out was: "Hee haw, hee haw."  As he finished braying, his ears lengthened to the regular length for a donkey.
       As the team rushed to bathroom to look into a mirror, the next step of their transformation took effect.  By the time they reached the mirror, all of them were walking on all fours.  As they stood there in the bathroom they watched their hands and feet become hooves.
         Then they noticed something was missing: their manhood.
       As Matilda watched this, she said: "That is right, you'll become jennies. That is for that little incident at the Restaurant after the game."
       Within a minute, only Matilda and thirteen donkeys were in the locker room.
        Matilda walked over and opened the outside door.  There entered two gentlemen wearing overalls and carrying thirteen bridles.
        As each donkey was bridled, they each tried to communicate with one of these two men.
All that came out was "Hee haw!".
        Matilda then told the donkeys the news: they had been invited back to Wilson, for a donkey basketball game.  "Since you acted like jackasses the first time, I thought you should supply the donkeys"

       The town of Wilson came out in droves.  The game had been announced and everybody wanted to come and see a real donkey basketball.  The teams were made of the Wilson basketball team, some former players and anybody who just wanted to play.
       Our team of donkeys acted like normal donkeys.  I think they all figured if they did anything out of normal, they would become donkeys permanently.
      Matilda had already made plans for her donkey team.
     After the game, the donkeys were allowed to cool down then loaded into their trailer, but instead of returning to Harmony High they were transported to a farm.
      As each donkey was unloaded they were placed in a stall so small they couldn't move a muscle.  The reason for the stall became soon apparent: as they watched, three jacks were brought in.
     All thirteen jennies started braying their disapproval.
     "That's right, these jacks will help you make the final step of your transformation.
     "I should tell you also this: the only people I wanted to hurt are the thirteen of you.  So as these Jacks finish their jobs, the present Harmony Boys basketball team will no longer exist.  To your families, and friends, it will be as if you never existed."
    As if on cue, the first jack mounted the first jenny.


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